So last night late in the wee hours when I was supposed to be writing, but couldn’t I wrote a post for my blog and published it. It was emo and angst ridden and sortof more than I wanted “out there” once I reread it. Not really so much what it said but how it was said. Which is funny because that’s kind of what this post is about.
So I deleted it. But not before Spy saw it. Of all the people who could have seen it, Spy is one of the people I feel absolutely most comfortable with, because I just feel like we have a lot of the same quirks. Then today Erica goes and writes about angst and this same kind of fear writers have about what others think about them, either as writers or as people. And I’m not sure if it’s the universe making more batches of coincidence cookies or if she saw my blogpost before deletion too hehehe. At any rate, this post still screams to be written.
So I have two people who “get” what I was saying and suddenly I feel like I can come back and say it. When it comes to writing I have many fears. I’ll never be published. I’m not good enough. I’m good enough but the market shifts and I never get published. I get published and my book doesn’t make it. I get published and my book is somehow a wild success against all odds but the second book bombs and I become a “one book wonder.”
Truly I would write even if I never got published, but writing, like all art forms is meant to be shared. And never seeing publication smacks of unfulfilled potential.
All those are emo and insane, but no fear is more emo and insane than the “OMG what if I lose my shot at publication over something I SAID.” Especially online. Not my writing. Not the quality of it. But me, as a person. What if some little soundbyte that encapsulates my insanity or makes me come off like a dramahound or a bitch or a know it all so colors another person’s thoughts…as in an editor or agent person, that I lose my shot?
I realize this is insane. Like Howard Hughes insane. Because frankly we’re all emo. We’re all angst ridden, and we all live just on the edges of sanity. So if editors want to work with only totally and completely sane people…who the hell are they going to work with? That’s not writers. Somehow I really doubt that editors are looking for sane writers to work with. I’m sure what they’re looking for is writers they can work with, who can take criticism of their work, who can understand the collaborative nature of a book once it’s out of their hands, who can meet deadlines, and who obviously, can write.
June 27, 2008 at 10:14 pm
You know, I always wanted to know exactly how this “emo” word worked.
I met my SmartPops editor in Texas. It was great. She came to pick me up at the conference, and then we were going to get tea. First, though, she had to run home and email a writer who’d just turned in an essay, and it was the first time that writer had contacted her and she wanted to write back because she hadn’t the night before and she knew how writers worry about that stuff.
Needless to say, I think she is the absolute coolest.
June 27, 2008 at 11:03 pm
Spy, your editor sounds really cool. I angst, but I try to change my thoughts and usually do. Worry and doubt can be crippling. OTOH, a little of it can keep us striving to write better. I’ve read writers who get worse instead of better, and it’s sad. I don’t want to be like that.
June 28, 2008 at 9:24 am
Zoe:
That REALLY was my angst. LOL!
Nope. Didn’t see your delete, Hon.
And you know, you can look at it this way. Would you WANT to be published if the ONLY way was to suppress yourself so all trace of personality was gone? I KNOW how eccentric I am. I used to MOSTLY keep my insane life out of my blog–especially the four kids part. Because I used to think, “Maybe I won’t get a book deal because they’ll think I can’t make deadlines because I have four children and no childcare help.” But I turned in one book 5 days before giving birth to #4, and one two months after. I can do it. And I wouldn’t WANT to be published if I had to not be me in all my utterly quirky self.
E
June 28, 2008 at 1:09 pm
‘K, just wanted to comment and see what sorta little critter I’d turn up as.
Seriously, Zoe, most would ‘get’ what you’re saying, but I’m going to fall back on my grandmother for a response. As far as the books go:
A. “Quit borrowing trouble!”
B. “Quit putting the cart before the horse!”
Right now you should focus your energy on writing the best friggin’ book you can. And then another best book. And so on. The rest is all timing/luck/skill, or skill/luck/timing or luck/…you get the idea. There’s an element you absolutely cannot control, regardless of how much energy you devote to worrying about it.
As far as saying something on your blog? Forgetaboutit! Would you really want to work with someone who’d judge you for stating YOUR honest feelings or opinions on YOUR own blog?
Now parking my vent-mobile. (I assume my critter will be a sour-pussed little thing with a big mouth)
June 28, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Hey Spy, emo is just overly emotional, melodramatic. Like Goth kids but whinier.
It’s next generation goth.
Hehe, Erica, that’s wild we were both angsting at the same time. But then we’re writers. So probably not that freaky. The odds are with us.
And I’ve thought along those lines too. Why would I want to suppress who I am as a person. And surely most editors have worked with enough writers that my quirks must be par for the course by now.
hahaha Lainey, you’re commenting to see what kind of little “critter” you’d get? hahahahaha. Yes, this is my evil plan, to get more people to comment by frequently changing my little random icon generator so people out of desperate curiosity will speak to me.
I’m a tiny bit concerned on how I come off on my blog, but more concerned about how I come off when I visit other people’s blogs and sites.